When we enter a deep relationship, something subtle happens. The mind doesnโt just imagine โmeโ anymoreโit begins to imagine โus.โ Nondual wisdom calls this the subtle bodyโthe energetic sense of self that includes both body and mind. When you join your life with another, that subtle body stretches to weave the other person into it. Theyโre no longer just beside youโtheyโre part of you.
Thatโs why separation can feel like more than heartbreak. Itโs identity unraveling. Itโs the โmeโ dissolving where it had merged with โyou.โ And suddenly, what you thought was solid reveals itself as angst coming to the surface of awareness.
For me, this came in a wave of loss. A relationship of decades fell apart, and I found myself face-to-face with the emotional pain I hadnโt felt in years. That attachment โbondโ we had, in its own way, shielded me from the deeper wounds I hadnโt even known were there. For fifty years, the presence of another helped block those unfelt feelings. When her presence was gone, the wall fell. And what came rushing in was raw, unfiltered angst.
But hereโs the strange grace of it: those layers of conditioning, once exposed, started to crack up and peel away. They may return now and then, but not with the same grip. And in their place, something new emerged: the gift of feeling.
I had lived much of my life with alexithymiaโa blunted connection to my own emotions. I could name them, sometimes, but rarely feel them deeply. But the loss of this marriage broke something open. The grief flooded through neural pathways that had long been withered and disconnected. Feelings began to flow. Patterns began to reorganize. What once was blocked became alive.
And yes, it hurt. More than I wanted it to. There were days I felt out of sync, standing beside someone who was no longer emotionally present, my own mind spinning into erratic thought. Yet even here, there was a kind of grace: the pain clarified. It showed me where the old wounds lived, how childhood patterns had kept me braced.
In EMDR therapy, Iโve watched the same thing happen for clients. When the old pain rises, it looks unbearable at first. But as it flows, something shifts. The system reorganizes. The suffering that once defined the self begins to loosen its grip. And what remains isnโt just survivalโitโs freedom.
From a nondual view, this makes sense. The self we cling to is a construct, made of thought and memory, always shifting. The deeper realityโthe water behind the waveโis consciousness itself. That consciousness doesnโt break when the wave crashes. It abides. It is shared, universal, indivisible.
So yes, loss unravels identity. It tears at the fabric we thought was โme.โ But in that unraveling, we discover something more fundamental than identity: Presence itself.
And in Presence, even angst has its place. Not as an enemy, but as a teacher. Angst strips away illusions. It opens the heart. It clarifies. And sometimes, it even gives rise to gratitudeโthe peace that passes understanding.
Not gratitude for the loss itself. But gratitude for the gift hidden within it: the gift of feeling.
~ Jordan Shafer/nmm
Amanda Martin holds a PhD in Family Therapy and is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Supervisor, and EMDRIA Approved Consultant. With over 14 years of experience, she specializes in trauma therapy for individuals and families in residential and outpatient settings. Amanda also provides supervision for EMDR certification, EMDR consultants-in-training, and LMFT-Associates. Her mission is to help people find a healthy, joyful, and fulfilling path in life. Her warm, supportive, and interactive counseling style incorporates Symbolic Experiential Therapy, Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, EMDR, HeartMath, Animal-Assisted Therapy, Neurofeedback, and Collaborative Problem Solving.
Dr. Jose Carbajal, a U.S. Army veteran, earned his bachelorโs and masterโs degrees in social work and a masterโs in theological studies from Baylor University, and a Ph.D. in Social Work from the University of Texas at Arlington. With over 15 years of clinical experience and extensive teaching experience, Jose specializes in trauma, sexual abuse recovery, domestic violence, and substance abuse. His research focuses on trauma interventions, neuroscience, and faith. He is EMDR Certified, an Approved Consultant, and an EMDRIA Approved Trainer, with numerous publications and professional presentations to his name.
Amber holds a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from Regent University. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor in both Texas and Oklahoma and holds Supervisor credential for Texas. Amber is an EMDRIA consultant and trainer. She has over a decade of experience in the trauma field in work with uniformed services, domestic violence, childhood trauma and abuse, and recent mass trauma events. Amber provides consultation for EMDRIA certification, for consultants-in-training, and supervision for LPC-Associates. Amber continues to research the benefits of EMDR therapy with a variety of populations. Her goal is to help build strong clinicians who are well versed in trauma interventions to better support their clients. Amber sees a limited number of clients with a focus on trauma work, she is also a Certified Career Counselor and Certified through EAGALA to provide equine-assisted therapy.ย
Amber holds a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from Regent University. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor in both Texas and Oklahoma and holds Supervisor credential for Texas. Amber is an EMDRIA consultant and trainer. She has over a decade of experience in the trauma field in work with uniformed services, domestic violence, childhood trauma and abuse, and recent mass trauma events. Amber provides consultation for EMDRIA certification, for consultants-in-training, and supervision for LPC-Associates. Amber continues to research the benefits of EMDR therapy with a variety of populations. Her goal is to help build strong clinicians who are well versed in trauma interventions to better support their clients. Amber sees a limited number of clients with a focus on trauma work, she is also a Certified Career Counselor and Certified through EAGALA to provide equine-assisted therapy.ย
Dr. Jose Carbajal, a U.S. Army veteran, earned his bachelorโs and masterโs degrees in social work and a masterโs in theological studies from Baylor University, and a Ph.D. in Social Work from the University of Texas at Arlington. With over 15 years of clinical experience and extensive teaching experience, Jose specializes in trauma, sexual abuse recovery, domestic violence, and substance abuse. His research focuses on trauma interventions, neuroscience, and faith. He is EMDR Certified, an Approved Consultant, and an EMDRIA Approved Trainer, with numerous publications and professional presentations to his name.
Amanda Martin holds a PhD in Family Therapy and is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Supervisor, and EMDRIA Approved Consultant. With over 14 years of experience, she specializes in trauma therapy for individuals and families in residential and outpatient settings. Amanda also provides supervision for EMDR certification, EMDR consultants-in-training, and LMFT-Associates. Her mission is to help people find a healthy, joyful, and fulfilling path in life. Her warm, supportive, and interactive counseling style incorporates Symbolic Experiential Therapy, Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, EMDR, HeartMath, Animal-Assisted Therapy, Neurofeedback, and Collaborative Problem Solving.
